Ever.
here's a post I saved as a draft Dec 26, 04 and forgot about. I was just about to delete it but I'm gonna publish it instead. It's not finished.
I don't want my parents to die. Ever. Don't tell that to my 13 year old self, she won't believe you. They are Christmas to me now. I concentrate most on them. Seeing them, giving them something to make their time more rewarding. Asking lots of questions to find out what needs to be better, is everything cool? Anything I should know about? Are you okay, is time kind, do the old hurts still matter, is the worry over, are you surviving life alright, are there batteries in your smoke detectors? Has your well water been checked? Is that wood stove up to code? I don't ask all of these questions, my parents are quite capable, intelligent & lucid, but that kind of worry is beginning. I can see now how easily I will be taking either of both of them into my home to care for them if it's ever necessary. Even 2 years ago I couldn't imagine that, couldn't imagine losing my independence. I couldn't imagine ever losing my independence for anything. Not for marriage, not for parenthood, not for a job, not for the skake of my siblings, not for anything, ever. What's changed? Love. All these years of love being so intangible, so littered with loss of self, absorption of feelings, loss of logic rather than clear emotion. Oh yeah, the last of the teenage angst has finally left the building and it only took about 2 or 3 decades to do so.
Funny, I always knew Carlo would have everything to do with my understanding of love. I knew he sparked my understanding of love the first time he sparked that other feeling akin to love in my 9 year old belly. What I didn't expect was that it would be the absolute loss of him that would finally teach me what to hang onto, where to lay my eggs. In learning to let go of his existence I started searcing for worth. Reasons to be, reasons to stay, reasons to remain, reasons to breath. I've turned my back in painful ways on a lot of things that weren't fulfilling. All actions that didn't feed life were discarded. The plot continues. Everything is evaluated now: "Will this sustain me?" & accepted or not on the answer to that question. So what sustains me? The new fear. The new fear of commiting myself to a more rewarding life. A life that isn't all about me, where other's feelings actually are my responsibility and I do actually have something to live up to. I am going to marry this friend whose fulfillment matters to me as much as my own and be responsible for the way I make him feel. I am going to pro create & have that ultimate resposibility of not totally screwing up someone else's life. I am going to be there for my family instead of taking yet another stupid road trip that I can't remember half of anyway & I am going to follow through on promises I'm in the process of making & I am going to ...
5Comments:
Having suffered the loss of both close friends and immediate family, I can honestly say that I think you are close to the simplicity and essence of living beautifully in our self-serving society. It is sad for me to say that you are fortunate, but often great loss heralds great gain. I knew Carlo, and I feared for him. I also knew Robin(a beautiful person) and Heather(an ex.). And my father. I'm happy you didn't delete this.
(Joe)
http://organicinorganic.blogspot.com
oh tiki, trash cans are where all the crap goes!!!! hehheh
blogger gets easier, html is weird looking but it gets easier. use the help files on the dash board page. they actually do help.
annie, I'm sorry i made you cry.
and about the other stuff...
i hear ya.
I totally relate. I finally am ready to give up partying all night to have children. Finally see there is a new meaning in that experience that goes way beyond what I've foreseen for myself in the past.
Most babies I know these days weren't planned, or one of the DNA providers was ready, irregardless of the other. I know in most cases it's gonna be okay, that the love and support is going to be there. My oldest sister was a "mistake" and we always knew about it, y'know it shaped our family mythology. It was never taken out on her in any way, but the fact always sat there. I think it affected her and made her feel weighted with some unknown responsibility. She never asked my parents for anything, as though she didn't have the right, as though she trapped them and had to ease that for them.
I have one Momma-friend in her 50's who says to me "the time is never going to be right, you could die of old age waiting for the time to be right". But I think there is a right time and it's different for everyone. And I think that time is all about when you've come to the conclusion that you've done enough for yourself and you're ready to do for someone else, to fulfill a desire of giving not to fulfill a desire of needing. And not because you're lonely, and definately not to keep someone in your life irrevokeably. (sp?)
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