Presenting for your pleasure...

my last 2 days of freedom.

while I consider ending the pouting session, chawing on stale peanuts & making mental lists of the unfinished business procrastination has led to I become enamoured by the idea that life has handed me a schedule.
I can make a schedule that would make your heart sing. Very good at scheduling others but to live under a schedule for myself ... ouch. Prison to me, punishment for having skills.
So there is the secret school inside my new situation, the chance to adapt to the new discipline of being scheduled.
ok.

This is a really hard day for me. So much of my identity has been wrapped up in what I am leaving behind and I've no one to discuss this with because it's not a well understood emotion. That's what happens with ego, assaults on it can really hurt but seem foolhardy to the 3rd party.
I'm ending my own era, and era I built toward for a long time and after not even being sure that it was where I wanted to be, here I am in the 12th hour and I feel sick to my stomache and lonely for what really is only a shadow. I have no idea what's to come or if I will be happy, or why this even happened. Trying to trust that the universe is unfolding as it should and that everything happens for a reason.
To look at it all truthfully, change is so necessary and better things will come of it and I have been stagnant in the position, dealing the cards without gusto, but now without the cards in my hands at all...

I've always been an adaptogen by nature, always melded well in my new scenarios, and truthfully, this is as least a compliment, the way the change was thrown on me. I worry what will happen to the ghosts that I leave behind, what name will they call out? What name will they call me by?

So careful walls, as you fall away behind me, remember that I grew something here. Leave some mark for me.
Whatever it was, perhaps it is better in yesterday.

June 26, 2005 (for those that keep track)

"These are strange coincidences, or gifts meant to answer some unworded question.
I think of a love and a love appears, many times over many days, many different kind of memories come true in front of my face, as though my own life is here to tell me, you can't bury any part of yourself. You can't leave any part of yourself to become dust, or ashes or distant.
And what was that you were saying, "I remember you too?"

Don't be sad for lost days or lost age. Don't be sad for emotions long past because they stay in some form, to feed and teach.
Teach me tonight"